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A List

Late at night when I can’t sleep, I still find the need to write. Originally, I started this blog to keep family and friends informed of Julia’s treatments, but now I find it to be my comfort. I am not sure if it is my way to handle this nightmare or to somehow ensure that there is something left, some record of my sweet, Julia. Perhaps, it is a bit of both.

It has been a hard few days. Julia has been sleeping most of the time – a side effect of the pain medications. Her breathing is more labored and she has been using oxygen since coming home from clinic. There have been a few coughing spells and Julia even gets a bit winded just speaking. It is so hard to watch this happen. I wish I could trade places with her.

The PACT team visited on Friday to evaluate Julia’s pain and decide if any changes needed to be made. At this point, she has been comfortable and that is the most important thing. At least we know there are things we can use in the future. This afternoon, Julia was more awake and we had some treasured time to spend together; lying in bed, watching TV and just cuddling. It was our time and nothing could take it away, not yet.

“Do you ever feel down and blue, Mom?”

“Yes, I do Julia.”

“I know what you can do to help. I have a list.” She was determined to make sure I heard her. “Are you paying attention?” I quickly grabbed a tablet off the bed stand and took notes; at first to prove my attentiveness, but then truly not wanting to miss a word.

“Number One – Grab some friends and have a lunch date. Number Two – Think of happy thoughts. Number Three – Watch a funny movie. Number Four – Hear some nice music. Number Five – Think about Puppies. Number Six- Think about your children. Number Seven- Think about what you are going to do in the future. Number Eight – Have waffles and ice cream. Number Nine – Think about your favorite things in the world. And Ten – Give someone a hug. “

“I think that’s a great list Julia. I know it will help.”

A little time passed, and she lay in my arms. “Do you need anything Julia?”

“Yes, can we watch a movie?”

“Sure, I would like that.”

So for the next 90 minutes, we watched “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”, laughing and hugging each other tighter than ever.

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